Welcome to our jokes page, feel free to email them to us. info@ozhorseracing.com
Revenge is Sweet
Presentin his betting slip to the
counter clerk in his local betting office Joe was told that despite
his claim for six hundred pounds on his winning yankee bet due to
across the card rules his payout would only be one hundred and fifty,
knowing full well that this rule was not on the rules notice when
he placed his bet although not well pleased he nevertheless accepted
the payment.
However some few months later when at his local track the same local
bookie stood up taking bets on the next race which happened to be
a three horse affair showin 4/6 the fav 5/4 the second best and
33/1 the outsider. Recognising Joe as one of his local punters upon
Joe asking for a wager on the outsider the bookie offers Joe a generous
40/1 about the horse thanks a lot says Joe i'll have £100
at that price,the bookie laughs,sure you would'nt like to make it
two? Fair enough says Joe make it two at 40/1. After the race Joe
arriving to pick up his winnings £8000 the bookie says i really
dont understand the result after all i do own the winner,i know
says Joe,i own the other two.
larry walder southampton uk
What retired Jockeys do for fun
Lets just call them George and Mick.
Working people frequently ask retired jockey's what they do to make
thier days interesting. Well for example, the other day George said
to Mick, done anything interesting lately, to which Mick answered,
well actually the other day I went to a shop in Queen st. I was
only in there for 5 minutes and when I came out there was this cop
writing a ticket.
I went up to him and said " Come on mate, give me a break"
I'm a retired jockey. He ignored me and continued writing the ticket.
I called him a Nazi, he glared at me and started writing another
ticket for the bald tyres. So I called him a piece of dog shit.
He finished his ticket, put it on the windscreen with the first
one.
Then he started writing a third one, and mumbling rudely to himself,
this went on for about 20 minutes, the more I abused him the more
tickets he wrote.
Finally I'd had enough so I said, actually areshole I really don't
give a shit, today I came to town on the bus. I I try something
different each day George, now I'm retired, I think it's pretty
important at my age.
Cliff Hammond
Jump (thanks to Daniel Bevan)
An old time jumps trainer employs the services of a younger jumps
jockey for the first time on a horse that is having its first start
over the fences. He assures the young rider that if he follows his
instructions, he'll get a sling from the long odds displayed by
the bookies on-course.
"Jump him out, take him to the front and
just bound along" said the old trainer. "A stride before
each fence, shout 'JUMP' at the top of your voice, and he'll clear
it still galloping." The younger jockey thinks the old bugger
is one leg short of the quaddie, but assures him that he'll do
as he asks.
The jump out of the gates, and working to the
front he approaches the first fence. Not yelling the command,
he hits the fence so hard that the horse knuckles, dislodging
him from the saddle. Staying aboard and putting it down to a mistake
on the horse's behalf, when approaching the second jump, he still
refuses to yell 'jump' at the next fence. Needless to say, the
horse knocks the fence down, and somehow the rider manages to
stay in the saddle.
By the time he realises that there may have
been some merit in the trainer's commands, he has lost considerable
ground, and is now twenty lengths off the pace. From here, he
starts to shout "jump" to the horse, and the horse makes
up fifteen of the twenty lengths by the home turn. Approaching
the last jump a length off the leader, the horse ends up losing
by a nose in a photo.
When returning to the scale, the jockey sees
that the trainer is furious. "Didn't you yell jump like I
told you?" he asks. "I did, your horse must be deaf"
insisted the rider. "Deaf? Deaf? The horse is bloody blind
you idiot!"
School At The Track (thanks to Ben)
A group of 3rd, 4th and 5th graders,
accompanied by two female teachers, went on a field trip to the
local racetrack to learn about thoroughbred horses and the supporting
industry, but mostly to see the horses. When it was time to take
the children to the bathroom, it was decided that the girls would
go with one teacher, and the boys would go with the other. The teacher
assigned to the boys was waiting outside the men's room when one
of the boys came out and told her that none of them could reach
the urinal. Having no choice, she went inside, helped the boys with
their pants, and began hoisting the little boys up one by one -
holding onto their "tools" to direct the flow away from
their clothes. As she lifted one, she couldn't help but notice that
he was unusually well endowed. Trying not to show that she was staring,
the teacher said, "You must be in the 5th." "No,
ma'am," he replied, "I'm the jockey riding Silver Arrow
in the 4th, but thanks for the lift."
Chapped Lips (thanks to Dick Beal
)
A cowboy rode into town and pulled his horse up in front of the
first saloon that he came to. He dismounted and tied the horse to
the hitching rail and saw that he was being watched by a group of
old-timers sitting on a bench beside the front door of the saloon.
The cowboy went to the rear of the horse, lifted its tail and kissed
the horse. He then turned to walk into the saloon. "How come you
done that cowboy?" asked one old timer. "I've got chapped lips,"
replied the cowboy. "Does that make em' heal up faster?" asked the
old timer. "Naw," replied the cowboy. "It stops me from lickin'
em and maken' em worse."
Chief Steward (thanks to Basil Bean)
It was a typical bush race meeting, the difference was that there
was a new Chief Steward on the job, a man who'd officiated at major
city tracks and everyone was waiting to see what would happen at
his first race meeting. One of the local trainers was in the mounting
yard and the steward saw him slip something into his horse's mouth
so he rushed over and demanded to know what it was. The trainer
replied, in his best outback drawl " Well, yer see, 'e likes 'is
bit a sugar , so I always give him a cube just before 'e races.
'ere ,I'll 'ave one just to show that there's nothin' in it." and
he swallowed one. The Steward wasn't convinced so demanded that
he be given one so that he could see if there was anything amiss
with the supposedly innocent sugar cube. He swallowed it and walked
away muttering to himself "Bloody bush bandits- thinking that they
could put one over me" As the trainer is legging the jockey up he
gave him very clear instructions- "Ride 'im in about fourth spot
to the turn then let 'im go, and if anything passes you, don't worry,
it'll only be me or the Chief Steward !"
The Preacher's Horse
A Preacher wanted to raise money for his church and, being
told there were fortunes in race horses, he decided to purchase
one and enter it in the races. However, at the local auction, the
going price for horses was so steep he ended up buying a donkey
instead. He figured that since he had it, he might as well go ahead
and enter it in the races, and to his surprise the donkey came in
third. The next day the racing sheets carried the headlines, "Preacher's
Ass shows" The Preacher was so pleased with the donkey that he entered
it in the races again and this time he won! The papers said, "Preacher's
Ass out in Front" The Bishop was so upset with this kind of publicity
that he ordered the Preacher not to enter the donkey in another
race. The newspaper printed this headline, "Bishop Scratches Preacher's
Ass" This was just too much for the Bishop and he ordered the Preacher
to get rid of the animal. The Preacher decided to give it to a Nun
in a nearby convent. The headlines the next day read, "Nun has the
Best Ass in Town" The Bishop fainted. He informed the Nun that she
would have to dispose of the donkey and she finally found a farmer
who was willing to buy it for $10.00. The paper states, "Nun Peddles
Ass for Ten Bucks" They buried the Bishop the next day
Marylou
This man was sitting quietly reading his paper one morning, peacefully
enjoying himself, when his wife sneaks up behind him and whacks
him on the back of his head with a huge frying pan. He asks, "What
was that for?" She replies, "What was that piece of paper in your
pants pocket with the name Marylou written on it?" He says, "Oh
honey, remember two weeks ago when I went to the horse races? Marylou
was the name of one of the horses I bet on." She is appeased and
goes off to work around the house. Three days later he is once again
sitting in his chair reading and she repeats the frying pan swatting.
He says, "What's that for this time?" She answered, "Your horse
called."
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