Welcome to our jokes page,
feel free to email them to us. info@ozhorseracing.com
The Dead
Horse
Young
Chuck in Montana bought a horse from a farmer for $100. The farmer
agreed to deliver the horse the next day.The next day the farmer
drove up and said, "Sorry son, but I have some bad news...
the horse died."Chuck replied, "Well, then just give
me my money back."The farmer said, "Can't do that. I
went and spent it."Chuck said, "Ok, then, just bring
me the dead horse."The farmer asked, "What ya gonna
do with him?"Chuck said, "I'm going to raffle him off."The
farmer said, "You can't raffle off a dead horse!"Chuck
said, "Sure I can, Watch me. I just won't tell anybody he's
dead."A month later, the farmer met up with Chuck and asked,
"What happened with that dead horse?"Chuck said, "I
raffled him off. I sold 500 tickets at two dollars a piece and
made a profit of $998."The farmer said, "Didn't anyone
complain?"Chuck said, "Just the guy who won. So I gave
him his two dollars back."Chuck grew up and now works for
the government. He's the one who figured out how this "bail-out"
is going to work.
Jockey
Marriage
"A young jockey and his stable lass girlfriend make the decision
to get married. Everything is planned and the couple intend to
honeymoon in Italy for a week. The marriage goes without a hitch
and the couple set off on their honeymoon. While checking in the
lady behind the desk asks 'We have two suites available for you,
would you like the bridal?' 'No thanks says the jockey I'll just
hold her ears till she gets the hang of it!""
Revenge
is Sweet
Presentin his betting slip to the counter clerk in his local betting
office Joe was told that despite his claim for six hundred pounds
on his winning yankee bet due to across the card rules his payout
would only be one hundred and fifty, knowing full well that this
rule was not on the rules notice when he placed his bet although
not well pleased he nevertheless accepted the payment.
However some few months later when at his local track the same
local bookie stood up taking bets on the next race which happened
to be a three horse affair showin 4/6 the fav 5/4 the second best
and 33/1 the outsider. Recognising Joe as one of his local punters
upon Joe asking for a wager on the outsider the bookie offers
Joe a generous 40/1 about the horse thanks a lot says Joe i'll
have £100 at that price,the bookie laughs,sure you would'nt
like to make it two? Fair enough says Joe make it two at 40/1.
After the race Joe arriving to pick up his winnings £8000
the bookie says i really dont understand the result after all
i do own the winner,i know says Joe,i own the other two.
larry walder southampton uk
What
retired Jockeys do for fun
Lets just call them George and Mick.
Working people frequently ask retired jockey's what they do to
make thier days interesting. Well for example, the other day George
said to Mick, done anything interesting lately, to which Mick
answered, well actually the other day I went to a shop in Queen
st. I was only in there for 5 minutes and when I came out there
was this cop writing a ticket.
I went up to him and said " Come on mate, give me a break"
I'm a retired jockey. He ignored me and continued writing the
ticket.
I called him a Nazi, he glared at me and started writing another
ticket for the bald tyres. So I called him a piece of dog shit.
He finished his ticket, put it on the windscreen with the first
one.
Then he started writing a third one, and mumbling rudely to himself,
this went on for about 20 minutes, the more I abused him the more
tickets he wrote.
Finally I'd had enough so I said, actually areshole I really don't
give a shit, today I came to town on the bus. I I try something
different each day George, now I'm retired, I think it's pretty
important at my age.
Cliff Hammond
Jump
(thanks to Daniel Bevan)
An old time jumps trainer
employs the services of a younger jumps jockey for the first time
on a horse that is having its first start over the fences. He
assures the young rider that if he follows his instructions, he'll
get a sling from the long odds displayed by the bookies on-course.
"Jump
him out, take him to the front and just bound along" said
the old trainer. "A stride before each fence, shout 'JUMP'
at the top of your voice, and he'll clear it still galloping."
The younger jockey thinks the old bugger is one leg short of the
quaddie, but assures him that he'll do as he asks.
The
jump out of the gates, and working to the front he approaches
the first fence. Not yelling the command, he hits the fence so
hard that the horse knuckles, dislodging him from the saddle.
Staying aboard and putting it down to a mistake on the horse's
behalf, when approaching the second jump, he still refuses to
yell 'jump' at the next fence. Needless to say, the horse knocks
the fence down, and somehow the rider manages to stay in the saddle.
By
the time he realises that there may have been some merit in the
trainer's commands, he has lost considerable ground, and is now
twenty lengths off the pace. From here, he starts to shout "jump"
to the horse, and the horse makes up fifteen of the twenty lengths
by the home turn. Approaching the last jump a length off the leader,
the horse ends up losing by a nose in a photo.
When
returning to the scale, the jockey sees that the trainer is furious.
"Didn't you yell jump like I told you?" he asks. "I
did, your horse must be deaf" insisted the rider. "Deaf?
Deaf? The horse is bloody blind you idiot!"
School
At The Track (thanks to Ben)
A group of 3rd, 4th and 5th graders, accompanied by two female teachers,
went on a field trip to the local racetrack to learn about thoroughbred
horses and the supporting industry, but mostly to see the horses.
When it was time to take the children to the bathroom, it was decided
that the girls would go with one teacher, and the boys would go
with the other. The teacher assigned to the boys was waiting outside
the men's room when one of the boys came out and told her that none
of them could reach the urinal. Having no choice, she went inside,
helped the boys with their pants, and began hoisting the little
boys up one by one - holding onto their "tools" to direct
the flow away from their clothes. As she lifted one, she couldn't
help but notice that he was unusually well endowed. Trying not to
show that she was staring, the teacher said, "You must be in
the 5th." "No, ma'am," he replied, "I'm the
jockey riding Silver Arrow in the 4th, but thanks for the lift."
Chapped
Lips (thanks to Dick Beal )
A cowboy rode into town and pulled his horse up in front of the
first saloon that he came to. He dismounted and tied the horse to
the hitching rail and saw that he was being watched by a group of
old-timers sitting on a bench beside the front door of the saloon.
The cowboy went to the rear of the horse, lifted its tail and kissed
the horse. He then turned to walk into the saloon. "How come you
done that cowboy?" asked one old timer. "I've got chapped lips,"
replied the cowboy. "Does that make em' heal up faster?" asked the
old timer. "Naw," replied the cowboy. "It stops me from lickin'
em and maken' em worse."
Chief
Steward (thanks to Basil Bean)
It was a typical bush race meeting, the difference was that there
was a new Chief Steward on the job, a man who'd officiated at major
city tracks and everyone was waiting to see what would happen at
his first race meeting. One of the local trainers was in the mounting
yard and the steward saw him slip something into his horse's mouth
so he rushed over and demanded to know what it was. The trainer
replied, in his best outback drawl " Well, yer see, 'e likes 'is
bit a sugar , so I always give him a cube just before 'e races.
'ere ,I'll 'ave one just to show that there's nothin' in it." and
he swallowed one. The Steward wasn't convinced so demanded that
he be given one so that he could see if there was anything amiss
with the supposedly innocent sugar cube. He swallowed it and walked
away muttering to himself "Bloody bush bandits- thinking that they
could put one over me" As the trainer is legging the jockey up he
gave him very clear instructions- "Ride 'im in about fourth spot
to the turn then let 'im go, and if anything passes you, don't worry,
it'll only be me or the Chief Steward !"
The Preacher's
Horse
A Preacher wanted to raise money for his church and, being told
there were fortunes in race horses, he decided to purchase one and
enter it in the races. However, at the local auction, the going
price for horses was so steep he ended up buying a donkey instead.
He figured that since he had it, he might as well go ahead and enter
it in the races, and to his surprise the donkey came in third. The
next day the racing sheets carried the headlines, "Preacher's Ass
shows" The Preacher was so pleased with the donkey that he entered
it in the races again and this time he won! The papers said, "Preacher's
Ass out in Front" The Bishop was so upset with this kind of publicity
that he ordered the Preacher not to enter the donkey in another
race. The newspaper printed this headline, "Bishop Scratches Preacher's
Ass" This was just too much for the Bishop and he ordered the Preacher
to get rid of the animal. The Preacher decided to give it to a Nun
in a nearby convent. The headlines the next day read, "Nun has the
Best Ass in Town" The Bishop fainted. He informed the Nun that she
would have to dispose of the donkey and she finally found a farmer
who was willing to buy it for $10.00. The paper states, "Nun Peddles
Ass for Ten Bucks" They buried the Bishop the next day
Marylou
This man was sitting quietly reading his paper one morning, peacefully
enjoying himself, when his wife sneaks up behind him and whacks
him on the back of his head with a huge frying pan. He asks, "What
was that for?" She replies, "What was that piece of paper in your
pants pocket with the name Marylou written on it?" He says, "Oh
honey, remember two weeks ago when I went to the horse races? Marylou
was the name of one of the horses I bet on." She is appeased and
goes off to work around the house. Three days later he is once again
sitting in his chair reading and she repeats the frying pan swatting.
He says, "What's that for this time?" She answered, "Your horse
called."
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